Five years, that's all we've got
by aliceboleyn
Summary: 1937. In a prestigious boarding school in the south of England, James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew experience heartbreak, delight and loss, two years away from a war which will set their world on fire.
1. Chapter 1

It was the early morning of the 1st of September, and, at times, some shy rays of sunshine managed to pass through the trees and struck Remus, blinding him for a couple of seconds. As it happened once more, the boy decided to allow himself to close his eyes for a little while, suddenly overwhelmed by a tiredness he had long ago become accustomed to. It mustn't have been more than five minutes and yet once he opened his eyes back, it only took him a moment to recognise the familiar shapes of the not-yet-illuminated houses he had come to know by heart as the train made its way into Godalming.  
The way from Petersfield is only a short one, but his mother had insisted he'd take the first train, stressing her lack of trust in the railway system, so there he was, more than an hour early, a whole hour left for him to panic thinking about the year ahead before his friends would come and join him.

Despite the heavy luggage he was carrying, he decided sitting would do him no good, so he started walking aimlessly down the still deserted streets of the town, trying to ease the flow of thoughts that were irrationally landing on the shores of his mind. He paced until his lungs began to hurt, his throat burning, as his breath struggled to come. It's only in that moment he stopped to rest, gasping and leaning his back against the fence next to him.  
His glance lingered on his luggage, left unattended on the floor; it belonged to his father before him and Remus had fought for it. At the beginning of his first year at Charterhouse School, he had heard his parents discuss about how much they would need to save in order to buy him a new luggage, but a thirteen-year-old Remus had persisted in underlining how little he cared about how _presentable_ he would look, he had earned his place in that school. His mother's eyes were wet as she had hugged him and whispered _"my boy"_ to his ear, Remus hadn't missed the fleeting hint of sadness and shame that was always half hidden in her smile.  
The luggage, already quite damaged by the frequent travelling of his father in the early years of his life as a university student, had gained new scratches caused by Remus and his friends after three years spent in the same room together.  
That year, however, was different, Remus reminded himself with a sigh: they had said goodbye to their dorm that past June and, as Seniors, they needed to shift to a new one. An exciting news to most of the other boys, but not to Remus, who had grown disproportionately attached to the four-beds room.  
It hadn't been easy for Remus to fall asleep in a bed which was not his own in the first months of his stay, he had spent endless night facing the wall and trying not to cry out frustration; but then when he had come home for the summer holidays he had found himself longing for his school bed and the soft snoring of his housemates.  
A new dorm meant nothing, really, they were all planning to remain the four of them. _Of course_, Remus thought, trying to push the idea of his friends no longer wishing to share a room with him to the back of his mind.

As he was walking back to the station, he began to discern a figure, waving a hand at him, with a large smile on his face. James Potter had grown taller over the summer, he could tell from the way his mother merely reached his shoulder, but so had Remus and, as James pulled him into a tight hug, he realised, they were the same height.  
Mrs Potter kissed Remus on both cheeks and held his face in her hands for little while.

"You boys are growing so fast! Look at you both, two handsome young men. – she said, with a warm grin on her thin lips – We really missed you this summer Remus, I hope you can come and join us at least for a few days over the Christmas holidays."

Remus nodded, unsure of what the politest answer would be, his mother never failed to remind him not to make promises he couldn't keep. In his attempt to look away from Mrs Potter, he noticed the absence of James' father, always present on his first day of school.

Mrs Potter suddenly continued, as if she were able read his mind: "My husband is feeling slightly unwell, surely because of all his inconsiderate excursions regardless of climate conditions."

The woman's smile never faltered, yet Remus noticed her eyes sparkling with worry for a second.

"How long have you been here alone?" asked James, distracting Remus from his speculations.

"An hour more or less, my mum wanted me take the first train, probably assuming it would have travelled at a walking pace."

James laughed lightly, showing his white teeth, almost bright against his tanned skin.

"Come on, let's go see if Peter has arrived."

It didn't take much effort for James and Remus to find Peter, the boy was standing on his tip toes, stretching his neck as much as possible in order to see above the station's crowd and as soon as he saw his friends he abandoned his mother to join them.

"I've been looking for you for ever!" he said, breathless and with flushed cheeks, as he stopped in front of the two.

"Hello, Pete. Were you missing me already?" asked James with a wide smile. Peter had spent the last month at the Potters' and returned home only a couple of days before the end of the summer.

"No I wasn't, you bloody idiot, but in case you hadn't noticed, Remus wasn't there."

James' grin faded on his lips as he nodded; his gaze dropping on Remus, just before he solemnly said: "Then you'd better greet him properly!"

"Yeah, right – hello Remus, it's nice to have you back." Peter's embarrassment was quickly buried in a hug, as Remus opened his arms.

When Mrs Potter reached them, she didn't compliment Peter as she did with Remus, but she still extended her invitation for Christmas to him as well, to which Mrs Pettigrew, finally emerging from the crowd, responded: "Thank you Euphemia, you're always so very kind to my son. I'm afraid, however, this year I'll require his presence or else my relatives will think I'm hiding something from them, you know how these things go."

But Euphemia Potter probably didn't know. James' parents were rebels, just like their son, above shallow gossips and pathetic traditions, with a modern view of the world. _After all it's 1934 already!_ Had said Fleamont Potter, the first time Remus had been at their house, on the summer of his first year.

The noble house of Black didn't take common means of transportation and, therefore, Walburga and Orion Black had never allowed their children, Sirius and Regulus, to take something as humiliating as a school bus to reach the campus.  
Sirius had been spending the last twenty minutes in his brother's company when the school bus arrived and his friends started walking towards him.  
As soon as he saw them, his eyes stopped on Remus, a bit thinner and paler than he remembered, but still not nearly close to the image James, Peter and him had created in their minds during their time together. Sirius felt his shoulders' muscles finally relaxing, he hadn't realised how nervous he was to meet Remus again.  
Sirius didn't wait for the other three to reach him, but instead left his brother behind and stopped only when he was in their proximity. He'd spent a ridiculous amount of time considering in which way he should greet Remus, yet, as he was standing only a couple of meters away from him, his mind had gone blank, so he rushed into a hug, as broken and emotional as they both were.

"I missed you." He whispered against Remus' skin.

They remained there for a while, steady in the unsteadiness, but finally reunited. This time, Sirius told himself, he would be there.

Only when they faced each other, Remus replied, avoiding to meet his eyes: "I missed you too."

And Sirius truly meant it. That summer hadn't been the same without Remus in it and, although he struggled to admit it to himself, each new memory he had created, had a side which was blurry and shapeless. As every great unfished novel, Remus' absence left an untameable frustration.

"Hello Regulus!" James' voice suddenly brought Sirius back to reality.

His brother had walked away from his own friends to come and say hello to Sirius'. Clearly something had changed; up until the previous year Regulus despised Remus, Peter and especially James, probably seeing them as rivals to his brother's heart.  
Months, however, passed and slowly Sirius, once able to see the extent of his mother's ambitions, started feeling an urge to protect his little brother from the dark schemes of his family. This act of peace had been more than welcomed by Regulus, who, Sirius assumed, probably had been waiting for it for a very long time.  
Them bonding again resulted in an unreal equilibrium, which involved his friends getting along with his brother, Regulus and Sirius chatting before going to bed and their mother loosing her grip a bit, convinced that Regulus was finally taking Sirius back on the right path.

"How was summer?" asked James, conversationally.

"Boring, but I heard great stories of your enterprises." Regulus answered, winking at his brother.

Sirius had sat on his bed and told Regulus all about the amazing time he'd had at the Potters, for the first time, not with the intention of making his brother jealous, but simply to offer him a bit of his heart.

Remus smile had long been gone and yet, as their adventures at James' were mentioned, Sirius caught a sigh coming out of his friend's mouth, silent and gloomy.


	2. Chapter 2

James Potter had always believed that, after all, his life was quite simple, finding comfort and even an odd satisfaction at the thought of it. His friends', on the other hand, were all so tragically complicated: Sirius and his chilling family, Peter and his constant struggle to prove himself worthy of their friendship, Remus – well, Remus being Remus.

Since the end of the summer, however, James had been forced to stop looking away and instead face a sorrow he'd never been familiar to. No doubt he had always empathised with Sirius and was ready to fight his battles at any moment, and all the matter with Remus had shaken him deeply, still it all remained a bit blurry and distant, as if he'd forgotten to put his glasses on. Yet when his mother sat him down, holding both his hands into hers, looking at him with watery eyes, James knew that this time the pain would be clear and vivid.

His father was ill; his strong, bold father was succumbing to a_ disease of the new century_, that's how the newspapers called it. How ironic, James, thought, that his own father, ever so progressive, was dying of an illness as modern as his ideals.

"You go to school and have a good time, do you hear me?" Euphemia had told her son, almost clinging to him.

James tried to protest, yet he quickly understood that that was his mother being firm, a vision he was not accustomed to, but that he was meant to accept. "It's a cancer, darling, it's not like he is going anywhere any time soon. If it gets worse I will tell you and you will come back to say goodbye."

_To say goodbye_, even in that moment, sitting amongst his friends in the Great Hall, those words kept haunting him. Her mother's voice had been soft in her death sentence, but this didn't stop the lump in James' throat from growing.

James was well aware that telling his friends would lift a weight from his chest, but then all the sorry looks would follow and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to bear it; the thin shade of shame on Remus' face, Peter avoiding to look at him while whispering "I'm sorry, mate", and Sirius, he'd probably swear at the world for the injustice, walking away before his friends could see him crying. No, James would much rather pretend that everything was normal, as hard as it may get.

He stopped to have a look at his friends: on his right Peter seemed to be struggling not to fall asleep while the Headmaster, Professor Dumbledore, was giving a heartfelt speech about the year ahead. James felt himself smiling at sight on his left, he had been listening to Sirius foolish ideas and concerns about Remus all summer, and now seeing the two of them chatting and laughing sparked a warmness in James' chest.

Yet Sirius, who had spent more time with the Potters than with his own family during the previous three years, who had been reminded by Euphemia a hundred times that he would always have a home to return to, had a right to know.

When the four of them were sat on their beds that evening, James knew they had a lot to talk about, most of it regarding Remus. However, whenever the room fell silent, no one seemed to gather the strength to ask the questions that had been burning in their throats all summer and Remus looked like had been holding his breath for a particularly long time.

James couldn't stand the scene he was witnessing any longer and, as he always used to, he decided to shift the attention on him.

"I have something to tell you."

They boys eye were now all fixed on James, who allowed himself a half smile before he began.

"Do you remember Lily Evans?"

"How could we ever forget, James dearest, when you've been talking about her every day for the last two years?" asked Sirius, dramatically laying his back against his mattress.

Remus laughed, his pale cheeks gaining a bit of colour.

James sensed pride spreading through his bones for there was nothing he enjoyed more than cheering up his friends even when his own heart felt so very heavy.

"Well I'm glad you've been paying attention. – Anyway, her family and her have been spending the last week of the summer holidays in Bournemouth, so one day I was on the beach with my cousin Edward and what did I see? Lily bloody Evans wearing one of those modern swimsuits I've seen on my mum's magazines!"

Peter was more focused on James' words than he had ever seen him.

"As you might expect I nearly fainted at the sight, but the best part comes after."

"She got naked!" Peter interrupted him, looking as if he were about to fall from his bed out of excitement.

"No, you fool, how was she supposed to get naked in a beach full of people! – As I was saying, the best part came after, because I found it in me to go and say hello to her and her parents as soon as Edward left, half expecting her to kindly dismiss me. Instead, she suggested we'd go for a walk on the shore and there we talked for literally ages, until she said she'd better go back as the sun was nearly setting. I didn't see her again but I asked her to go to Godalming together once back at school."

"Did she accept?" asked Sirius, once again seated.

"Well, – she said it would be nice to meet up, although she believed it wiser that she came with her friends and I with you."

"But that's what we always do!" cried Peter, clearly overly invested in the story.

"It looks promising nonetheless. – said Remus, his voice a bit croaky after being silent for so long – Only a year ago she would have pretended not to know him or something, now he she's inviting him for a stroll."

"Thank you Remus. That is what I like to call progress, or a miracle to be honest."

James' parents had always loved the sea, preaching the importance of breathing fresh air, distant from London's polluted streets. The boy tried not to laugh, thinking about how powerless the sea could look once confronted with death.  
Euphemia and Fleamont decided to build a house as close to the beach as possible, where James could play safely, he had never bruised his knees falling before he'd come to school.

Living in Bournemouth could be torture, with all the aunts and uncles faking interest in his parents' company so that they could have their annual free holiday at the seaside and the endless pleasantries James was subjected to. Nevertheless, it had also become a great excuse for his friends to run away from home during the summer break, even the austere Walburga Black had been unable to disagree on the fact that Sirius would benefit from a couple of weeks in the company of a well respected family as the Potters in a fashionable city like Bournemouth. Of course Mrs Black approval didn't last long, for, as soon as she found out what sort of friends her elder son associated with, she started to punish him with silence and sharp looks whenever he mentioned his affiliation with the lower classes. _Twats, _James thought, the Blacks and their superiority complex.

When James woke up the following morning, he found Remus' bed already made and all his clothes neatly folded on his side of the wardrobe. A foolish anxiety stung James' chest for a second, before a rational voice in his head reminded him how Remus had always been an early riser and that he was probably waiting for them to show up in the Common Room.

After another look around the dormitory, James realised that Peter was still sleeping heavenly, while Sirius was about to walk out of the door, already dressed and with a sort of urgency in his movements.

"Wait Sirius. – Where are you going?"

Sirius almost jumped at the sound of James' voice. "Nowhere, I mean, the Common Room."

"Is everything alright?" asked James, starting to button up his shirt.

"Yeah, sure."

"Then would you have a minute?"

_Now or never_, James thought with a sigh.

"Actually, – do you happen to know where the hell Remus is?"

"Not really, but if he isn't in the Common Room then he's surely gone for a walk. – Sirius, nothing can happen to him here and he's alright now by the way." James added, seeing panic in his friend's eyes for a second.

"Right, leave him space the heal and all. – Sirius echoed Hope Lupin's words which had been repeated to him like a mantra throughout the whole summer holidays. – What is it you needed me for?"

James had put his uniform on by then. "I just wanted to talk to you in private."

The two of them walked out of their dormitory in silence and James didn't talk until they were seated next to each other on an isolated sofa next to the window.

"I wanted to talk to you about my dad" said James, his voice sounding more cheerful than he had intended it to be. Sirius, however, had remained silent, no sign of a smile on his face.

"On the week you returned home, my mum informed me that there was a reason why he had been unwell so often this summer, a reason which had nothing to do with his crazy adventures as a young man or the inevitable passing of time. Sirius, he's got cancer. In his liver at the moment, but they say it's likely to spread."

James had never said it out loud and, despite his best effort, the words had come out hard and brutal.

Sirius was looking at him wide eyed and breathless. James suddenly found himself overwhelmed by fear and sorrow, what sort of world would it be without his dad in it? He couldn't think of anything his mother in his place would say to make him feel better, so instead he whispered: "I think he's going to die." His voice was broken, the lump in his throat too big.

Sirius didn't hesitate this time, holding his best friend in a hug so tight that James felt his ribs aching. Yet, to be trapped in Sirius' arms felt liberating, despite the horrors that were awaiting him, he had his brother by his side. When their gazes met, they both found them glittering.

"I'm so sorry James, life is fucking unfair." said Sirius, rubbing a hand against his wet eyes, a tiny spark of the anger James had expect escaping through his words, but nothing more.

Sirius and James had shared everything over the last three years: clothes, toothbrushes and detentions, so, after all, pain looked just like another trophy on their golden shelf.


	3. Chapter 3

Lily loved being back at school and, although that summer had been unexpectedly pleasant, there was nothing she enjoyed more than sitting on the comfortable sofas of the Common Room with her best friends. Prior's Field School had been a second home to Lily, a home where there was no pointless fighting and yelling with her sister Petunia, where her mother wasn't constantly holding back her tears at the sight of her daughters and the absence of her husband. Lily felt all the fragments of suffering and frustration in her mind quickly fading away at the sound of Marlene's loud laughter.

"– then I told him I would rather kiss Marlene than him!" Dorcas was in the middle of a passionate story about her holiday with Marlene and her parents in the north of France, the hot chocolate in her hands threatening to fall on the floor at any minute.

"And did you?" asked Mary, shooting the two girls a mischievous look from her own cup of chocolate.

"Of course we did, you should have seen his face!" confirmed Dorcas with pride.

"I've never kissed a girl." reflected Alice, who was sitting on the carpet with her legs crossed.

"No wonder you haven't, you and Frank have been engaged since your mothers gave birth to you!"

"That's absolutely false and anyway, tell me Mary, how many girls has a lonely heart like yours kissed?"

Mary put a hand dramatically on her chest, before she turned her body a little to face Lily.

"Speaking of lonely hearts, is our beauty Lily Evans still untouched by the male population? I've heard that you and Potter had a lovely time on holiday."

"Wait a second," said Alice, all of the girls' attention suddenly on Lily, except from Dorcas', who was probably the one who had sparkled the rumour in the first place.

"Check your facts, Macdonald. I've met him _once_ at the beach, by total chance. – Thanks Dorcas, it's lovely to know that I can always trust you with my secrets."

"Oh surely you didn't intend to keep it from us! – said Marlene, stretching her legs on Dorcas in a failed attempt to keep her still. – Come on, tell us something more."

Lily sighed only half hearted, after all she had looked forward to telling her friends about her meeting with James.

"It's not like anything happened, I only invited him for a walk because I couldn't stand his perfect small talks with my parents. Once I got back my mum told me he was a _very handsome and charming young man_ and that I should consider accepting his offer, I think she believes he's asked for my hand already!"

The girls burst out laughing and Lily felt herself relax on the sofa, warmth reaching her bones.

"What did you talk about?" asked Alice with genuine interest in her eyes.

"Not much really, he told me about Sirius and Peter visiting him, his exams and,"

Lily remembered how distressed James had looked once she'd asked him why Remus hadn't come too and despite her decision to be completely honest with her friends about their interaction, she knew this had nothing to do with herself and James, so she avoided mentioning what she had figured out.

"- his fabulous life in general, then he asked some questions about mine and was actually quite nice. Until he invited me to Godalming this Saturday, just the two of us." Lily's cheeks were burning and she was fairly certain that the heat cause by the fire had little to do with that.

"Please tell me you accepted!" cried Mary, vehemently reaching for Lily's hand from across the sofa.

"I said we should go all together. – Excuse me, but I don't see the point of him coming all the way from Charterhouse just to have to collect me and head back to Godalming, and anyway I'm not too keen on the thought of spending all those hours alone with him."

"But we will be around, you can call us at any moment and I will distract Potter until you sneak out." suggested Marlene with a smile. She had always had a soft spot for James, although Lily knew it was far from romantic, but more like an authentic affection she had developed through the years as she witnessed James' awkward courtship.

"I don't know. – I'm still going to decline his offer to come and pick me up, but I _might _ask him to go somewhere just the two of us, when we see each other."

"Oh great, so you'll leave the other three to us!" said Dorcas, looking around, perhaps hoping to find other annoyed expressions on the other four girls. Yet Lily was aware of Marlene's half hidden crush for Sirius and of how well Mary got along with Peter, for some reason.

"I'm afraid I'll have to join the other girls; I neglected them quite a lot this summer." said Alice apologetically.

"Oh Alice, don't worry, unlike those four Charterhouse freaks, we allow the members of our club to see other people." commented Dorcas with a sarcastic tone in her voice.

"Bold of you to assume they have anyone else to see except the four of them." Lily joined her, as they all started laughing once again.

It was a cold September afternoon and, as Lily sat down inside Godalming's central café, she took a moment to thank her good sense which had forced her to bring a coat, despite it hiding parts of her dress, ruining her look a bit. The girls had found a table in an isolated part of the café, where there were plenty of empty seats for the four boys to sit.

When James walked through the door, Lily had been staring at her tea for at least fifteen minutes, her impatience once again betraying her. He was wearing a white polo shirt and beige trousers, had a sweater in his right hand and a wide smile on his lips. Behind him, Sirius, Remus and Peter followed, all three greeting the girls. James headed to the free seat next to Lily, while the girl struggled to keep her heart from speeding up. In front of her sat Remus, who, instead, had his sweater on and dark circles under his eyes; Lily was used to seeing him worn out and stressed during the last months of the school year, but Remus looked like for him there had been no summer break at all and Lily suspected that there was some truth in such a thought.

"No Alice today?" asked Peter, with a shade of disappointment in his voice. He hadn't changed much over the summer, Lily noticed, he was still the short, chubby boy she remembered meeting when she was thirteen, just with the addition of some hints of blonde moustaches growing.

"She's busy with grown up things seventeen year olds have to deal with." explained Marlene, drinking a sip of tea from her cup.

"I'm seventeen in two months, then it will be over for you. You'll never see me again." said Sirius with a disarming grin. He was sitting at the end of the table with his legs crossed and his stylish clothes.

His features, on the other hand, had gotten sharper and more elegant during those months: with his long black hair and high cheekbones, Sirius looked like a nineteenth century painting, Lily couldn't blame Marlene and Remus for falling prey to his charm.

"If only that were true!" cried Dorcas, her gaze fixed on Marlene, who silently blushed.

The group sat at the café for another hour, telling each other adventures and gossips about the summer, and getting irritated looks by lonely gentlemen who were trying to read the newspaper in peace.

Lily had to reluctantly admit that James wasn't giving her the attention she was craving, simply smiling at her when their eyes met and holding a heated debate with Marlene over politics from across the table. Lily was passionate about the subject as well, yet her mind kept distracting her from it, as her intent was to keep an eye on Remus and how he behaved, while also deciding whether or not she wanted to hang out with James later. Doing two things at a time was already enough, Lily thought, so, instead of risking to humiliate herself halfway through the discussion, she remained quiet. She didn't want James to have an excuse to make fun of her.

Once they were all leaving the café, Lily had come to the conclusion that she needed to do something or else she would lose her mind.  
James had lingered inside until everyone except Lily was outside, as if he had read her mind, and was about to speak, his mouth a bit open, when Lily said: "I was wondering if you'd like to accompany me to the bookstore around the corner, I still have a couple of things to buy for the year."

James seemed to sigh in relief, his hazel eyes shining.

"Gladly, let me tell the others and I'll be right back." he said as he crossed the road.

It had been a while since Lily had started to feel her skin tingle whenever she was around James, yet, as he was leaning forward from behind her in order to catch a book on a shelf too high for Lily to reach, his breath softly touching her neck, she was sure that was what bursting into flames must be like.

"You really are brainy, I bet they don't teach you these things in school." said James, reading the back of the cosmology book Lily had asked him to grab.

"Rumour has it you're a pretty good student too." answered Lily, taking the book from his hands and walking towards the cashier.

"Don't say it around, I have a reputation to keep." winked James, an amused smile on his lips. Only a year before Lily would have been annoyed at such an answer, especially coming from someone as arrogant as Potter, but in that moment she found herself comfortable in the bright light which he emanated.

Once Lily had finished shopping, they both seemed to consider whether or not to join the others, yet, in the end, they mutually made the silent decision of sitting on the bench outside the bookshop for a while.

Chatting with James turned out to be easier than Lily had expected, free of the clumsiness which she had grown almost fond of. Instead, they looked like old friends catching up after years spent apart.  
Something was different in James, as if he were following a script which, for once, he had properly learnt, without the familiar stuttering and rambling. But James Potter wasn't the best of actors, unable to hide a certain stiffness as he played his part, yes charming, but also distant.

No doubt Lily was overanalysing every small aspect of the situation she was in, still, she couldn't help a slow yet resilient disappointment from spreading in her chest.

She was harshly brought back to reality as she noticed that James had stopped talking and was dangerously getting closer to her, his hand on hers. It took Lily a couple of seconds to figure out that he was trying to kiss her, and, before her heart got the best of her, a startling anger exploded inside her.

_This is wrong_. Lily must have said it out loud as she pushed James back, because he answered: "I'm sorry, I must have wrongly interpreted your intentions." His real self finally slipping through the cracks of his mask, surprise and embarrassment hardening his features.

"I have no intentions." replied Lily, red in the cheeks and out of breath.

James said nothing and Lily simply stood up, although she would have had a million things to tell him, and, with all the self-discipline she had left, added: "Perhaps we should go back, it's getting late."

He nodded, starting to walk by her side, defeat made him look smaller and, for a moment, Lily hesitated, trapped in a mild sense of guilt. She opened her mouth, but words remained wedged in her throat, for she feared that with them tears would have followed, she stayed silent.

James had been in the back of her mind since the first time she had met him years before. She was supposed to hate him, her best friend Severus never failed to remind her that, and so she had done until they had turned fourteen, avoiding him and confronting him whenever she was given the chance, always standing by Severus' side. James, however, with his big smile and messy hair, had started to win her over by getting along with her friends, to the point of suggesting to hang out all together, something Severus had never done. James had a way, even in the smallest of gestures, of reassuring Lily of her legitimacy to exist and make her own decisions, a concept which seemed averse to her family or Severus.

On that September afternoon, nevertheless, Lily had felt like an object of desire, a prey to be hunted and shown as a trophy. Whatever game James was playing was no longer amusing to Lily, who felt once again cheated by someone she loved. As she was standing in front of the large mirror inside their dormitory, she took a look at her favourite dress and the new earrings she was wearing, starting to take them off with a heavy heart. After all, she was no different from the girl she had been calling _frivolous_ for years, all dressed up for a boy like James Potter.


	4. Chapter 4

Peter was fairly certain of what a suicidal person looked like. He remembered his paternal grandmother Adeline, a frail old woman who used to sit in her armchair all the time, with the only exception of a daily walk by the river, from which one day she never returned. She drowned herself in the cold winter waters, that's what his father had told Peter, the millionth time he asked what had happened to her.

_A weak mind_, those, instead, had been the only words his mother had used to justify Adeline's scandalous death. Peter had thought that they should have seen it coming, the poor woman didn't have any friends and had never smiled once in the eleven years Peter had spent visiting her.

Remus, however, was another story. Yes, he could be quiet and there were times in which he seemed drained, but Peter had always blamed it on the fact that he was an introvert and anyway it wasn't uncommon to feel drained after months spent enduring James and Sirius' absurd ideas.

Remus and Adeline similarities, in Peter's eyes, ended there. How could someone as kind, friendly and bright as Remus long for the same tragic destiny as a lonely widow? Peter didn't have the answer for that and, despite Sirius' intricate theories, neither did his friends.

After a week of silence regarding the topic, Peter was starting to grow impatient. All the unanswered and unasked questions were hanging in the air creating a tense environment that was far from what Peter had expected for his first year as a senior.  
So during lunch time, when the four of them were sitting on the grass outside, enjoying the last days of sun, Peter decided that, for once, it was his moment to attempt to make things right between them.

"Alright, so – there's one thing we should talk about, I guess," and as Peter said that, Remus was the only one who had stopped looking at his textbook and was staring at him.

"What is it Peter?" asked James, paying him little to no attention.

"Come on we've been talking about it all summer!"

Sirius, who had been lazily browsing a Latin book for the previous fifteen minutes, suddenly threw an accusatory glance at Peter with his cold grey eyes.

Peter hesitated, expecting James to say something witty and sympathetic as he used to do whenever they were about to have a difficult conversation, but he said nothing, keeping his eyes fixed on the grass.

Peter swallowed his cowardice and said: "Remus, – we were all very sorry to hear about what happened to you, but as you probably know, your mother didn't allow us to see you, so we've never really had any answer,"

"_Peter._" Sirius said, his voice as sharp as a glass shard.

"No, it's fine. What is it that you wanted to know?" asked Remus with a small smile on his lips.

"Well, although I consider myself the most familiar with it, given that my grandma killed herself, I still struggled to understand why you did it, I mean, you seemed just fine and then we got your mother's letter and it was really unexpected."

Remus sighed, no sign of that smile left, but as soon as he opened his mouth to answer, Sirius interrupted once more: "That's not fair, you know that right?"

Peter had rarely seen Sirius look this enraged and mortified at the same time.

"I've got to go." said Sirius, collecting his things from the floor and standing up, seconds before he walked away.

As Remus stood up as well immediately after Sirius, he looked confused, but, Peter had to admit, also relieved.

"Excuse me." He told James, who nodded, as if Peter hadn't even been there, and then followed Sirius.

Peter felt his heart sinking in his chest, angry at himself for failing so miserably after days spent thinking about what to say, but also at James and Sirius, who had done absolutely nothing to help him.

Remus almost had to run to catch up with Sirius, who was walking towards the main building with his head down.

"Sirius, wait! – at the sound of Remus' voice, Sirius stopped and slowly turned around, his cheekbones slightly rosy – Are you okay?"

His expression softened at the question, "Yes, of course I'm okay, Remus. But what that little wanker was doing was just straight up wrong."

"I don't know, I expected this conversation to come up at any moment. Peter is no Shakespeare, but I don't blame you for being a bit lost."

"He's right, you know, we have been talking about it all summer and, for this specific reason, I assumed Peter had understood how much we cared about the subject and about asking you the right questions. But what does he do? He asks _why_, of all questions."

Remus's heart sped up, in part out of fear and in part because that was just the sort of thing that would happen to him whenever he was in Sirius' presence.

"Isn't it what you were getting at anyway? He was just particularly straightforward."

"No, it's not! – Sirius looked hurt by what Remus had said – I wanted to hear your version of the events, to know how you were doing and if they've been treating you right. Of course, we'd like to understand some more of all the things we didn't notice, but Peter is just nosey and I couldn't stand it."

It took a while for Remus to manage to create a sentence and say it aloud.

"From which one would you like me to begin?" His voice was gentle, but there was a shade of weariness he hadn't been able to get rid of.

Sirius sat down against one of the stone arches that surrounded the gardens.

"From the beginning, if it's okay."

And it was okay, Remus thought, it had to be. During the previous two months he had been living under a glass case that shielded him from the outside world, but which also prevented him from seeing anything other than his own illness. Then September came and he was back at school, amongst his best friends, and, for a moment, that summer looked just like a bad dream he would eventually forget of.

But now Sirius Black was sitting in front of him and he was painfully aware that in order to actually turn it into nothing more than a nightmare, he had to be honest with those he loved.

"It has never been easy to me, I've always felt exhausted, – I'm sorry because I told you already and it must be boring to hear it again, but the thing is: I didn't understand where that feeling was coming from, until I realised that during these years I've been trying extremely hard to relax and enjoy my adolescence as you did, but in my miserable attempt to be normal I ended up amplifying my anxieties instead. Once I'd become aware of that I couldn't think about anything other than my unhappiness. It was illogical and childish, but I wasn't new to it, I had learned to know my sadness by heart. Yet there was something different this time: I could see how everything about my life was supposed to make me happy, but I was trapped, forever carrying a weight on my chest and the idea that things could only get worse was driving me mad, so –"

Remus stopped, still struggling to pronounce those simple words out loud.

"I'm sorry if my mother gave you the impression that you had anything to do with what happened, but you really don't. I didn't leave a message, I couldn't think of anything suitable, so I said nothing. This of course left her to her own conclusions, which unfortunately saw you at the root of my decision, for whatever reason she could make herself believe."

Sirius had been carefully listening to everything Remus had to say.

"I'd say it was more your absence than your presence which made me restless and incapable of shifting my mind from the thought of dying. So after only a week I had spent at home, I couldn't live with myself any longer."

It was hard, diving once more into the madness of those days and exposing the wildest and most wretched sides of his mind to Sirius.

"I'd always thought myself incapable of something like that, because it would have hurt my family too much and because it required a lot of courage which I was sure to be lacking. Yet suddenly all the other voices in my head were silenced by one I wasn't familiar with, strong and imperative, and somehow I pulled it through, or at least I tried to."

Maybe one day Remus would be ready to tell Sirius more about how he had decided to take his own life, but for the moment, the mere thought made him uncomfortable.

"My dad found me when it was almost too late, but they rushed me to the hospital and after a while I woke up. I'll never forget the way my parents looked at me and how humiliating it felt to be laying on that bed, after everything they've done to make me happy, I – he paused to take a breath and compose himself as best as he could – Anyway, the doctors suggested they'd take me to another hospital, but my mum fervently objected, so luckily they allowed me to go back home after four days, provided I had weekly sessions with a psychologist, which was fine, I didn't mind it."

Only then Sirius spoke for the first time, his voice almost shaking: "And did they work, those sessions? Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, I mean, I still get bad days sometimes, but it's good to be around you again and, even when I'm not, I'm not struggling as much as I used to, which is good."

"I can't believe we haven't see each other for two months."

Remus had never thought about it before, but in the last three years, that was the longest they had spent far away from each other.

"I'm so sorry, Remus. I just feel I should have been there, but literally everyone kept me from running to you." Sirius added, his features turned to stone and his eyes suddenly shining.

A wave of heat spread on Remus' cheeks, all the emotions that had piled up over his chest slowly disappearing and leaving room for a newfound sense of lightness.

"I've never blamed you for respecting my mother's wishes, but I have to confess I assumed James or Mrs Potter were behind your silence." said Remus with a smile which came naturally.

Sirius, to Remus' relief, seemed to be ready to divert from the questions for a while.

"You have no idea! After we received your mother's letter, Euphemia had to sit me down at least three times, beseeching me not to do anything stupid. I obeyed only because it was her and not my mum – and, of course, because I didn't want to make things worse."

"I missed you too, but I'm also glad you didn't have to see me in that state, otherwise I'm not so sure you would still want to be my friends." said Remus, only half joking.

"Listen, Remus, there is absolutely nothing you could do which would make us stop wanting to be friends with you. – Well, except you turned out to be a fascist." Although Sirius had a grin on his face, in his eyes Remus could detect the distinct firmness which could always reassure him.

"I'm rather sure you won't have to worry at least about that."

"It's nice to know that I can always trust you, comrade Remus." replied Sirius, leaning forward to stretch an arm around Remus' shoulder.

"By the way, I want you to promise me something."

"What is it?" Remus felt his sight go blurry with fear.

"From now on, we share this burden, alright? No more secrets, I don't care if it's ugly or rough, I want to help. You have been putting up with all my moods and breakdowns over my family for years, I owe you. Just remember you have nothing to prove me, you can be as real as you want to be, I swear I won't get scared."

Remus, with his throat tight, rested his head against Sirius' shoulder and ultimately whispered: "I promise."


	5. Chapter 5

Contrary to popular belief, Sirius Black didn't mind being alone. Yes, he had no problem in spending weeks in the constant company of his friends, but growing up in Grimmauld Place meant getting used to the silent hallways and the endless afternoons locked in his bedroom.

It had been barely two weeks since school had started, yet it felt like months. Sirius had woken up before dawn and been unable to fall back asleep, so after a good half an hour spent rolling over in bed, he decided some fresh air would help him stop his endless flow of thoughts. Somehow he had ended up inside the Chapel, one of the only places which always remained unlocked, and in its sharp smell of marble.

He couldn't remember a time in which things had been easy for him, when he had been able to have a dreamless night or a day without worry or anger crushing his chest. Yet, since the beginning of the summer, everything had become considerably worse: his mother had been a hunting presence whether or not they were living under the same roof, with all her scolding and reproachful letters; her words were, however, merely a distant sound in the back of Sirius' mind, which was utterly distraught by the idea that he had been so close to losing Remus. Then the news about the Potters came and it hit him like a hurricane, reminding him that although they had always been a lighthouse, a safe haven and an endless source of warmth and joy to him, they were just as fragile as any other thing that made Sirius happy.

Sirius, nevertheless, was rather good at pretending: he would chat, laugh and smile as if his world wasn't about to fall to pieces any minute and a clock wasn't constantly ticking in his ears, telling him that he was running out of time.

A dull noise brought Sirius' attention back to reality, as the main door was being opened by a thin figure with dark hair and, for a second, Sirius feared Severus Snape would be the one to find him sitting inside a church. The boy, however, took a few steps down the aisle and it suddenly became clear that it was Regulus, surprise colouring both their faces.

"Should I be worried?" asked Regulus as he sat down next to his brother.

"Why would you need to be?"

"Well, let's see, – it's not even seven in the morning and not only are you already awake, but you're in the Chapel of all places. I thought you hated it here."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "I couldn't sleep and, besides, I do hate reverend Wotton's services, but this doesn't mean I hate this place altogether. I find it rather romantic actually, to be sitting here as the sun rises, I may or may not be the new Byron."

A smile spread on Regulus' face. "Oh, so you come here and write poems about Marlene McKinnon and how you two are star-crossed lovers?"

Sirius couldn't stop himself from laughing at his brother, who kept believing his foolish theory that Marlene and him were in a secret relationship of some sort.  
Marlene surely was a pretty girl, with long blonde hair and a fair complexi0n, but it was her political opinions and her activism amongst her schoolmates at Prior's Field that Sirius appreciated the most about her. Nothing to do with a star-crossed love or poems written under the moonlight.

"How many times do I have to tell you that McKinnon is simply my friend, nothing more? A concept, of course, which must be foreign to you and your wanking friends, who have never talked to a girl in their entire life."

"You really are annoying, Sirius." said Regulus, shaking his head.

"And tell me, what is it that you're doing in the Chapel this early in the morning? I know you're a good boy, but this is a bit extreme even for you. Did mother send you here?" his voice hardened at the thought of Walburga.

"Not everything I do involves you, especially not this. – for a moment Regulus looked at Sirius as he used to do a year before – Sometimes I come here to be alone for a while, pay my respects to the heroes who sacrificed themselves for our country."

"They weren't heroes, they were boys, just like us and they were sent to die in those trenches." Sirius didn't mean to sound so harsh.

"By the way, we'll be joining them soon enough." He added with a joyful smile that almost looked like a bleeding wound on his porcelain face

"Do you really believe that?"

"Well, someone must stop those sociopaths before they conquer the world, I assume."

"Would that be so bad?" Regulus whispered that, his voice shaking slightly.

Sirius felt as if a blade had cut his guts open as he turned around to look at his brother.

"I must have misheard what you've just said, not even Mother and Father would think that." Sirius, on the other hand, managed to keep his voice steady and distant.

"Our parents are old, Sirius, they have no interest in politics unless it regards them. But _this_ is revolutionary, different from anything we've ever seen. It will pave the way for a new world, a new England, a fair one."

Regulus' sudden boldness left Sirius out of breath.

"A _fair one_, Regulus? What the hell are you talking about?"

The younger boy sighed, but somehow looked grateful for the opportunity to explain his position.

"I'm talking about a future in which England isn't enslaved by American capitalism and its greed of power and money, where England and its interests come first. Nothing so absurd."

"What about the Jews?" Sirius wanted to sound sharp, but he was too hurt to be able to hide it.

"Not everything is about the Jews."

"Well it must be, considering that your beloved Germans are taking away their homes, jobs and rights. Last time I checked the Nuremberg laws didn't only involve the rich bankers but also innocent men and women and even children, Regulus. How can this sound good to you?"

"I'm not an extremist, brother, nor are the men I support, but the world needs to break free from Jewish control. I don't condone Hitler's methods, yet I see where they're coming from. Europe needs change."

Sirius stood up, disappointment tightening his throat.

"I can't believe you let _them_ pollute your mind like that. Now I'd better leave you to your God, I pray at least He will be able to awake your soul."

The last thing he saw before walking out was his brother slowly shaking his head, surely frustrated by how dramatic Sirius' reaction had been, and yet Sirius felt as if he hadn't expressed not even half of the anger that was roaring inside his chest.

After a few minutes spent inside the bathroom, trying to calm himself down by focusing on the stream of cold water against his skin, Sirius eventually joined his friends at the breakfast table.

James, who was in the middle of an attempt to stab Peter with a butter knife, turned around to face Sirius and with a warm smile on his lips said: "Oh there you are, my lost son! I was starting to suspect McGonagall and you were making out in some forgotten hallway."

"Oh for God's sake, James, isn't it a bit too early to make me vomit?" asked Remus, taking a bite of his toast.

Sirius, however, only managed a feeble laugh, sitting down next to Remus.

"But where were you? Unless you were actually –" Peter stopped halfway through his question, a disgusted look on his face.

Him and Sirius hadn't talked much after their brief argument a few days back, but Peter wasn't the type of person to hold grudges and Sirius didn't have any energy left to actually confront him about how insensitively he had behaved.

"No, Pete, I wasn't snogging professor McGonagall. – I just couldn't sleep so I went out for a stroll and came across my brother."

"And it doesn't seem like it went too well by the look of it." Commented James with a casual tone in his voice, although Sirius could tell from the way him and Remus were looking at him that they knew something was wrong.

Sirius shrugged: "Just the average brotherly bickering I guess."

For some reason, despite the strong sense of betrayal which was creeping inside his stomach, Sirius still wanted to protect Regulus, or perhaps himself, from the storm of insults that would result from him telling James about what he had discovered that morning. The last thing he wanted was another civil war between his friends and Regulus', he felt so very tired.

"Alright, now that we're all here, I have something to tell you. – said James, both his elbows on the table and excitement flickering in his eyes – I've been made captain of our house's cricket team."

"Bloody hell, James, that's great!" cried Peter, half chocking with his orange juice. He had always been a cricket enthusiast, thought Sirius, but most of all a James enthusiast.

"Oh boy, I can already feel my eyes burn from trying to sleep while you keep every light on until four in the morning because _we really need to win the cup this year_." said Remus, mimic James' voice. "But congratulations, this sounds like a step higher on the social scale of Charterhouse." Remus' tone was sarcastic, but a genuine smile shined on his lips.

Sirius had to gather every single one of his mother's lessons about how to fake enthusiasm in order to sound even vaguely convincing as he said: "You might even have a chance to win Lily's heart now, a man of power and all of that, you know. – Congrats mate, about time they gave you some recognition."

The day went on as usual: with James and his mumbling over Lily's rejection and the first match of the year, Peter falling asleep in the middle of their Physics class and professor Flitwick telling him that he brings shame to the good reputation of the school.

Yet, no matter how many distractions his friends seemed to be providing him, Sirius' mind kept dragging him back to Regulus, a vivid and painful feeling of defeat pervading him. He felt hopeless for the first time in months, maybe even years. Knowing that his brother too was lost to him meant cutting even the last thin rope which still tied him to his family.

That night, as all the lights were turned off and the room had subsided into silence, James' voice reached Sirius in a whisper: "_Sirius?_ Are you still awake?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever Regulus did or said, we're here for you. We're brothers, you know that, right?"

A lump formed in Sirius' throat, after all the sadness and rage of the day, he felt a burning tear escape his eyes. "Yeah, – yeah, I know."

He hesitated for such a long time that he suspected James had fallen asleep in the meantime, but, instead, he answered with a low, hoarse voice: "Good."


	6. Chapter 6

One may be surprised at how active Charterhouse and Prior's Field's correspondence was: letters were constantly written, sealed and sent, creating an endless circle of news and gossip which never failed to bewilder Lily.

That week the whole school was in turmoil at the prospect of the first cricket match of the year, sport events at Charterhouse were one of the only chances the girls had to make friends with the boys aside from casual meetings around Godalming, therefore they were cause for much anticipation. The Common Room on those days more than ever was full of giggles and whispers, as the most handsome Carthusians were listed. And James Potter, to Lily's dread, never failed to be mentioned.

"Is it true that Sirius Black doesn't have a sweetheart yet?" asked a fourteen-year-old girl whose name Lily kept forgetting.

The first out of Lily's friends who managed to hide her laughter and mask it with a kind smile was Alice: "Yes, Dorothy, so it seems."

"So if I talk to him I might have a chance he asked me out on a date!" cried Dorothy, her eyes shining through her large glasses.

Lily shot a despairing glance at her friends, who all had an amused grin on their lips as they nodded to the poor dreaming girl.

"I'm afraid he is rather difficult to please." Lily tried to sound as gentle as possible, although the girls' chuckles didn't make it easy for her.

"Not even our charming Marlene has managed to win his heart so far." added Mary, winking at Marlene and Dorcas, who simultaneously turned bright red.

Lily felt slightly sick whenever the thought of the upcoming match crossed her mind. After all, she hadn't seen James since their last mortifying meeting and, although she knew she had every right to reject him, she couldn't help a vague sense of frustration at herself. The anger, shame and disappointment that had first come to her in the hours that followed, had turned into an undefined feeling of dizziness. She hadn't been able to focus on anything the whole week as her mind kept dragging her back to James, reminding her that he deserved an explanation and that so did she.

"Do we _really _have to go? Does any of us even like cricket?" asked Lily, staring at the ceiling from her bed.

"I do." Dorcas answered from across the room.

"And, anyway, isn't it some sort of tradition? It would be rude if we didn't show up at the first match of the year." commented Marlene.

"What? – Mary's voice came muffled from the bathroom, but, in a few seconds, she appeared, her naked body partially covered by a towel. – Why wouldn't we show up? Oh god, Lily, not again with this nonsense. If James keeps tormenting you, we'll send him some thirsty fourth-years to give him a lesson."

Lily smiled, relief barely scratching the panic in her stomach, but still appreciating her friends' patience.

"Fine, let's go then. – See? The things I do for you, now I'd better prepare myself for a sleepless night." Lily only wanted to sound sarcastic, but by the look on her friends' faces, she quickly understood that she had probably come off as desperate instead.

"The thing here is, did you reject him because it was inconvenient, rushed and generally not how you expected it to be, or did you do it because you don't like him and really want him to leave you alone? Because in that case, I think he should know the truth."

Marlene could be amazingly straightforward and Lily loved her for it, but her big brown eyes examining her from the bed next to Lily's had a way of twisting her guts that Lily would have gladly avoided on a night like that.

"I don't want to be left alone, but I feel like every step forward is followed by ten backwards, so maybe it's not meant to be. Perhaps Severus is right and we're actually too different."

"Oh come on, Lily! Nothing Snape says is right, he and his fascist friends aren't worth even a tenth of James." Marlene replied quickly, her cheeks flushed at the mention of Snape.

Lily didn't say anything for a long time. She had always been open about her friendship with Severus, never failing to mention what she loved and what she hated about him; lately, however, their fights had become stones to the wall which was building itself between them. For this reason and for all the rumours surrounding Severus' political affiliations, Marlene had started to despise him visibly, although up until that moment she had never openly insulted him in front of Lily.

It still sounded to Lily as if she was attacking something so intimate that almost felt like her own family. At the end of the day, Severus was her oldest friend, the first person who had passionately convinced Lily that she wasn't hateful and stupid as her sister had been calling her for years; and this sort of bond can't easily be broken.

"I'm sorry, I know you care for him very much, – Marlene added, once Lily's discomfort had become evident – but you can't deny that his opinion is heavily biased since he clearly has feelings for you and sees James as some sort of rival. You have to make up your own mind."

Lily sighed, still slightly upset by Marlene's words, yet aware that she was not wrong. She had been so busy explaining her doubts regarding the situation to everyone around her, that she hadn't taken the proper time to ask herself what it was that she actually wanted.

The morning of the game, Lily had struggled to find the strength to face the day, her empty stomach begging her for some food at the breakfast table, but her hands too shaky even to hold a fork.  
Once they had reached Charterhouse, the air was full of excitement and shouting, both from the teams and the audience. Lily was immediately invested by a dull sense of tranquillity, as a newfound awareness was sliding inside her: all she could do was wait until the end of the game, and even then, she had no certainty that she would be able to properly talk to James.

Amongst the audience, Lily spotted Remus, who was waving a hand and telling them to come and sit with him.

The girls quickly joined him, distancing themselves from their schoolmates, who were looking at them with a barely hidden hint of envy.

"I thought you hated cricket." said Remus as Lily sat next to him.

"I thought you hated it too, look at us both."

Lily gave a quick look at the field where James seemed to be about to give a heartfelt speech to his team. He looked good in white, Lily thought with a sigh.

"I do hate it, but one of my best mates has been made captain of the team, so the only socially acceptable thing to do seems to at least pretend to be interested."

Lily laughed, squeezing her hands under her thighs. For the first time after the beginning of the summer, Remus looked like a real person to Lily, not just the misty image which had clouded her imagination for weeks.

"Where is Sirius?" she asked, trying to divert the conversation from James.

"He said he was going to grab something to eat from the kitchens. I hope he didn't come across Regulus though."

"Weren't they in good terms now?"

"Yes, but it was rather short lived. Last week they had an argument and since then Sirius has been avoiding him. He gets quite upset whenever he's around."

"I'm sorry about that, it was nice to see them get along, it'd given me hope for Petunia and I– _wrong subject, again_, Lily thought reproachfully to herself, as soon as Remus turned around with an empathetic expression. – But what about Peter?"

"Oh, – a smile came back on Remus' face – now that James is captain he allows Peter to stay in the changing rooms with them and watch the match from the field. I know, it's weird, please don't ask me any more questions."

"The changing rooms? Why the hell would he want to be there in the first place?" Lily looked halfway between concerned and amused.

"I said no more questions! I don't think I want to dive into Peter's twisted mind any further. Anyway I think he's going to get bored and join us very quickly."

As both Lily and Remus seemed to be more at ease around each other, she gathered the courage she had been lacking for weeks: "Well then, I was wondering, if you'd like to hang out one of these days, I have a History presentation to make and I think revising with you would be more helpful than Mary, Dorcas and Marlene put together."

It wasn't more than an instant, yet Lily didn't miss the way his smile trembled on his lips before he replied: "Yeah, of course. How about next Friday?"

Not Saturday, when they would all be meeting in Godalming. Lily had to give it to James, he really did have loyal friends.

"Sure, great, thanks Remus. – Hi Sirius!" Lily said, looking up at the black haired boy who was about to sit down next to Remus.

"Hello, would you like one?" he asked, placing a hand on Remus' thigh in order to lean towards Lily and offer her a biscuit.

She gladly accepted it, her whole body craving some food after having skipped breakfast. As she took the first bite, however, she couldn't help but notice that although Sirius was no longer leaning towards her, but instead looking at the field, his hand had barely shifted on Remus' knee.

Lily had never particularly enjoyed cricket: it reminded her of the summer holidays spent watching her father play with his boring friends and her sister insisting that she played cards with her, when all she wanted was to read a book in peace. It was rather ironic that she would now subject herself to rain and snow just for the opportunity to look at James for all the duration of the game, without anyone questionimg her about it.

Time rushed when James was playing and, in a moment, his team and half of the audience had burst into a cry of pure joy as victory was confirmed. When Lily stood up to join the wave of excitement, she immediately detected James, pride and sweat making his strong features sparkle. And yet, it was James Potter they were talking about, so it didn't take him long to shake off the look of genuine surprise and delight to replace it with the more familiar arrogant one which Lily had come to know by heart.

Suddenly all her strength seemed to abandon her, leaving her breathless and with her heart beating each second faster, while it had become clear that she still didn't know what she wanted. She cursed her mind which kept spoiling every pleasant moment with its cold rationality, but also her heart that was restless and ardent.

The bubble that had been wrapping Lily popped as soon as she heard James' voice call her name, abandoning her in the blinding light of reality. That was it, her chances of actually avoiding a confrontation were gone and it was time to show herself that she was indeed brave.

"Congratulations! –she said conversationally – You proved yourself a rather good captain."

"Thanks, Evans, I appreciate it. – said James, scratching the back of his head – Well, about what happened, I just wanted to apologise once more, I have been foolish."

"Yeah, me too. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, but I wasn't expecting it, let's say."

"I'm sorry about that, but after you asked me to –"

"I asked you to accompany me to buy some books." She finished the sentence for him, her sharp voice echoing in her mind.

"But then we remained on that bench and everything was going so well."

"Was it? You seemed fairly at ease, a bit too at ease actually, James. Whatever game you are playing; I don't intend to be the prize. – she felt slightly uncomfortable as she said it, her thoughts aloud didn't sound quite as powerful as in her mind. – It may sound odd to you, but when I say no, I mean it."

"So you want me to stay away from you?"

"No, that's not what I want. – a shade of impatience slipped from her lips – I like spending time with you: you're funny, intelligent and caring. Yet I'm afraid I can't give you what you want, at least not right away."

"There's nothing I want right away, I can wait." Said James, a new hint of hopefulness colouring his cheeks.

"You do realise the time may never come, right?"

"Well then we'll see, I'm in no rush."

Lily eventually smiled, satisfied for the outcome of the conversation.

"Shouldn't you be celebrating? The team surely misses its captain."

They walked back to the field together, their shoulders brushing against each other at times, but neither of them doing anything to avoid it.

"Funny, intelligent and caring, you said?" asked James with a wide smile on his face.

Lily started shaking her head, hoping that her hair would hide the way she had violently blushed.

"I've never said anything like it."

James laughed, a sound so pleasant that Lily wished she could record it and listen to it in the darkness of her room back in Cokeworth.


	7. Chapter 7

Remus had never been a morning person. He used to enjoy lingering in bed until the sun was up in the sky and the whole room was warm and illuminated; he had even come to appreciate his friends' chuckles and flying pillows.

Nevertheless, year after year, as he witnessed the slow decay of his happiness, where there once had been warmth, was the stinging pain of anxiety which kept him awake at night and made him the first to wake up at dawn.

That Friday, however, Sirius had to shake Remus repeatedly before he finally opened his eyes. Only in that moment, with his friends crowding the room, getting dressed and chatting, Remus realised that, after all, at least his insomnia allowed him to take some time to find the motivation to face the day instead of rushing out of bed and preparing straight away.

It didn't make any sense, Remus often thought, when Peter offered to pour some milk in his cup too, when James read him the most interesting news aloud or when Sirius stayed awake as long as he could just to keep him company. It didn't make any sense because there had never been a time in which he had been more loved, accepted and cared for. It didn't make any sense because he knew very well what it felt like to be alone and, in that time of his life, he wasn't. And yet even the image of himself as a lonely child, sitting in his living room, playing with a train made out of a chop of wood, was still pleasantly stainless, free of the suffocating air which had been filling his lungs for the past two years.

There were days in which his mind danced in circles until his thoughts, exhausted and bloody, started blending into one another, leaving Remus with an uncontainable sense of frustration he had no use for. And that early October morning was no exception. Even the idea of meeting Lily in the afternoon didn't seem to help, but instead increased the weight on his chest that kept pushing him under. However, recovery to him was fighting back, putting on his coat and walking to Godalming despite the cold and his sore limbs.

He found Lily already seated inside the café, a steaming cup in front of her and her head bent on a book.

"You're late!" she said with a wide smile.

"I know, I'm sorry." Replied Remus, with a suddenly blank mind, all the excuses he had thought about on his way forgotten.

"Don't be silly, no need for apologies. I can always use some extra revision."

"Great. What is your presentation about?"

"The acts of union. Nothing thrilling I'm afraid."

"Not too bad either. Where would you like us to start?" asked Remus, sitting next to her.

Lily smiled again, this time with a look on her face that Remus couldn't quite decipher.

"Actually we could just quickly go through it later, but I mostly used it as an excuse to spend some time together."

A quick silence followed that Remus felt an untameable urge to interrupt.

"So I assume James told you everything."

"Actually, he was annoyingly loyal. He tried his best to pretend everything was normal, but I sort of figured out on my own that something had happened. But – she added, before Remus could reply – I haven't taken you here to trap you into an interrogation, I'd just like to spend some time with you, we can talk about whatever you want."

Remus felt tempted to accept the way out that Lily had offered him, especially on a day like that, yet with time he had come to the realisation that, no matter how painful or uncomfortable at first, the more people he opened up with, the lighter he felt. So he started talking, a flow of words coming out of his mouth like blood from his open wounds.

Lily was a good listener, always had been. She remained silent, nodding discreetly and holding Remus' hand that was resting on the table once he reached the most delicate part of the story, the one that caught him off guard each time. Because Remus had indeed survived and felt the need to justify his presence, give a meaning to his failure, a shape to all the suffering.

"It's fine that you don't know how you feel right now; people have no right to expect you to be all recovered."

Lily looked almost mad, to which Remus unconsciously replied: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything."

"It's alright, Remus, really. I simply thought that after everything we shared last year, you would at least answer to one of my letters, even just to tell me to stop writing to you, I would have understood."

It had all started as a joke: whenever James was about to approach Lily, she would run to Remus, begging him to pretend they were having some sort of deep conversation. Eventually, however, their conversations did become deep.  
They would meet at the café or at the local park and chat for hours almost every week; first it was just about school and gossips, but then on a November afternoon Lily had come to their usual meeting with tears in her eyes and her voice broken by anger. Her parents were about to separate and it was all her fault, that's what her sister Petunia had told her. Lily was later reassured by her mother that her father wasn't going anywhere and that, despite their disagreements, they had no intention to destroy their family. Yet, it was on that occasion that Remus managed to find out how Petunia was able to upset Lily.

Remus wasn't sure why Lily had chosen to confide in him, when she seemed to have an army of friends ready to come to her rescue whenever she needed, but he didn't mind it; so with time he began to open up with her as well.

"I know and I'm sorry. I didn't have to guts to write to anyone, my mother did, and, to be honest, I'm glad she didn't know about you. You probably would have been blamed along with the rest of the others."

Lily laughed, the genuine smile which bloomed on her face made her look even prettier, with her shining green eyes and rosy cheeks.

"You're deliberately trying to keep me away from your mother because you know she'd love me, don't lie Remus Lupin."

"Yeah, to the point that she'd most likely start suggesting me to ask for your hand. Be careful or you may find yourself another suitor, as if James and Severus weren't enough."

"Oh for God's sake, – cried Lily shaking her head – I'm good. Although I don't think _suitor _is an altogether fitting word for Severus considering he didn't send one single letter since the beginning of the school year."

Lily's smile turned from one of amusement to a sarcastic one, which easily betrayed her bitterness.

"Well I'm not sure whether I'm in the position to criticise him over his lack of communication with you, but I think we all know what he's doing."

"You get a free pass, criticise him as much as you want. Maybe Marlene is right and I'm a fool for still believing in our friendship."

"What about the last time you talked? Did you fight?" asked Remus, trying to look casual as he overlooked her last sentence. Because there were times in which Remus did think that Lily was indeed a fool for trusting someone as obnoxious and sinister as Snape.

"Not really, - answered Lily, scratching her chin nonchalantly – I mean we talked about the fact that I was going to Bournemouth with my family and, of course, he didn't miss the chance to say something unpleasant about James. I took James' part and he looked outraged as always, but then we remained seated under my porch for another good hour. So nothing unusual."

"Maybe he's upset because when we were all in Godalming you spent the day with us and not with him."

"But he should have gotten used to it by now, shouldn't he?"

"Considering how much he despises us; I doubt he'll never get used to our friendship. – Anyway he's probably just playing hard to get."

To that, Lily laughed. A cheerful sound which resonated through the half empty café.

"Well, he'll be disappointed to find out that chasing after him is the last thing I'm interested in."

Remus merely raised his eyebrows in surprise, that Lily continued: "Alright, I still care. I can't help it, I do. And a small, foolish part of me still wants to believe that something of the Severus I used to love yet remains. I may not be as intelligent as everyone thinks I am."

"This has nothing to do with your intelligence, Lily. I won't sit here and lecture you about how you should handle this whole Severus situation, but if I can be completely honest, – to which Lily nodded – he has gotten rather close, not just to Regulus, but also to people like Mulciber. My theory is that he wants to keep things as separate as possible."

"Because he's ashamed of me?" Lily's expression remained unaltered, although her voice came out slightly broken.

"Or because he wants to protect you. – Look, why don't you just write to him and tell him how you feel about all of this?"

It didn't take Remus more than a few seconds to recognise how abrupt his last sentence must had sounded. Yet frustration sometimes slipped through his lips before he could tame it.

"What I mean is that you're piling up misunderstandings, which the sooner you'll address, the happier you'll both be, no matter the outcome of your confrontation."

"You're right. I'm sorry, I always end up talking about the same things, but Severus has become sort of a taboo with the girls, especially Marlene. She loathes him." answered Lily, halfway between mortified and exasperated.

"Well I don't feel any particular type of affection for him either. But you know Marlene, she's a bit like James. There's never a middle ground for them." said Remus with a smile.  
There were times he envied James' heart, always on the right place, always fierce and bold. A thousand miles away from Remus' hesitations and insecurities.

"Do you like her? I can never tell." asked Lily, her body relaxing, as she rested her back against the chair and took a sip of her tea.

"Yes, of course I like her. She's very bright and determined, quite envious of her to be honest."

"Envious?" Lily looked intrigued, more than surprised.

"Always am of the brave." answered Remus with a casual shrug.

"She's not so brave when it comes to love, though."

"What do you mean?"

"You know I pride myself on reading people's feelings quite well; yet when I look at her, I can see she's very fond of Sirius, but, as odd as it might sound, I believe she is of Dorcas too."

Remus struggled to keep his gaze fixed on the table, as he answered: "It's not that odd apparently, Peter tells plenty of stories like this. He says it's common among schoolgirls, wouldn't bet on the reliability of my informer though."

Lily laughed once more: "Oh I'd never doubt Peter's fantasies! Anyway it's none of my business. It simply puzzles me how Marlene is never passive about anything other than this."

"Are you sure she's fancies Sirius that much? Not that it would be so hard to believe given that almost everyone fancies Sirius. But, as you said, she's very ambivalent."

"Yeah, I think so, but it's very much one sided, so –" Lily left the other half of the sentence hanging in the air. _So you have nothing to worry about_, Remus finished it in his head.  
He was well aware of the subject they were dancing around, but he didn't have enough energy nor strength to face it. _One day_, he told himself, fighting to keep his breathing steady, _one day._

"The acts of union, you said? I think we should start now if we want to finish before dinner."

Lily slightly nodded, a smile quickly resurfacing on her face.


	8. Chapter 8

Birthday celebrations in the house of Black were seen as hardly decorous for people of a social rank as high as theirs. _Vulgar_, that's the word Walburga used to describe them. Rejoicing the merciless passing of time, gloating about one's survival.

Hence, during his first year at Charterhouse, Sirius didn't quite understand his friends' excitement, when, on the morning of the 3rd of November, they jumped on his bed singing happy birthday. Surprisingly enough, there were times in which Sirius struggled to leave behind his upbringing, and only on his second birthday at Charterhouse was he able to properly celebrate.

October had unfolded itself slowly, painfully, almost. Sirius had eventually managed to trap the faded ghost of that endless summer into a forgotten drawer of his mind and, with that, he also buried his rancour towards Regulus. Life at Charterhouse had started to realign with the familiar equilibrium he loved, although, of course, everything had changed. However, there were moments, no matter how rare and fleeting, when he felt truly young.

On the morning of his seventeenth birthday, Sirius opened his eyes to darkness. It took a few seconds before disappointment found him, as he realised that he'd woken up too early for his friends to be there to wish him a happy birthday. He thought about trying to fall back asleep and see if he could restore the magic of the previous years, but he felt pathetic and, anyway, it was too late.

Once he sat down, nevertheless, a confused whisper came from Remus' bed beside him.

"What?" asked Sirius, unsure whether he was hallucinating or not.

"I said happy birthday!" this time it was a little louder, and, as soon as Sirius heard it, a sense of delight so strong spread through his chest that he couldn't help but rush to Remus' bed and squeeze him into a tight hug, to which the other boy softly responded.

"Thank you! My God, Remus, I'm sure I'm not supposed to say this, but I love the fact that you don't sleep."

"It's fine, I'm still getting used to the new bed." replied Remus, and it sounded like a lie, but Sirius was determined to keep things as cheerful as possible at least until breakfast, where he would be forced to find out whether his brother and family were willing to break their silence for one day or if they would keep punishing him with their indifference.  
He wasn't sure how it happened, yet, following his argument with Regulus, his parents hadn't written him one single letter. Not even the short, dry, messages Walburga used to send him every week to keep him constantly up-to-date with the family business, as his _duty_ as heir required. Since Sirius could remember, his mother had never missed a week before.

"Yeah, by the look of it, you'll probably get used to it when it's time to leave." said Sirius conversationally.

Remus laughed and then held his hand firmly. "So, you're actually part of the seventeen royalty now,"

Sirius could barely see him, still, in the half light of the rising sun, he could discern a smile on his lips.

"Always been royalty." Sirius yawned loudly before he lay down on Remus' bed.

Remus laughed once again as he said: "No doubt."

He waited for such a long time that Sirius started thinking that he would have remained seated like that; then, however, he joined him, laying next to him. They were close enough for Sirius to feel his skin tingle, but not actually touching. They remained like that for a while, staring at the ceiling and chatting about the most random topics they could come up with. He would have stayed like that throughout the whole day, Sirius thought, drowned in the sense of familiar warmth and stillness only Remus was able to give him.

James and Peter, however, did eventually wake up. James first, who, with his eyes still closed, proceeded to shake Peter.

"Crap Sirius, what's up with you both becoming such early risers all of a sudden? It's barely seven."

Sirius resurfaced from Remus' bed to show his best smile to James, who threw him a pillow and said: "I'd never thought I'd say this, but on these occasions I miss being the first one to wake up. I had things _planned_."

James stressed the last word in a way which reminded Sirius of the the thirteen-year-old boy he had met on his first day at Charterhouse. Young James loved pranks, no matter how evil they might get, he was up for it. Sirius had always found it odd, given that in any other circumstance James was all but cruel, instead he was loving and loyal, at times he could even be annoyingly responsible and yet nothing seemed to make him happy as a good old mischief. _Well except for Lily_, Sirius thought. Lily Evans, the beacon of morality and integrity that seemed able to turn James' heart with her own hands.

"Like you said, it's barely seven, you still have plenty of time." said Sirius, throwing back the pillow at James.

"Yeah – then happy birthday, killjoy." said James in a dreadfully serious tone before he started laughing and joined the other two on Remus' bed. All the delicate intimacy and frail quietness of a few minutes before gone but not forgotten, replaced by suffocated giggles and what turned out to be a miserable attempt to keep three teenagers all safely on a single bed. It was only when Sirius loudly fell on the floor that Peter, one eye still closed and his voice hoarse, said: "Bloody hell, what in God's name are you wankers doing?"

Remus immediately coughed in an attempt to draw Peter's attention, who instead kept yawning.

Then finally James came to his aid, saying: "Celebrating our senior friend here", and only in that moment did Peter seem to actually wake up.

"Ah sorry, mate, happy birthday!"

Peter always looked slightly embarrassed, regardless of the situation, that was just his face, plump and red, and they all had come to understand that. Yet in that moment, Sirius could very well tell, nature had little to do with the palpable embarrassment written on his features. After all, Sirius had tried to make their interactions as sporadic as possible in the last month, realising he'd run out of patience for someone like Peter.

"No problem, I'd rather not be reminded of the rapid decay of my youth." said Sirius dramatically, as he stood on his feet and started dressing up.

Then breakfast came and it turned out to be even more taxing than what Sirius had prepared himself for.

They arrived early and yet the hall was already crowded, unusual for a regular Wednesday, but it was also close the St Andrews Day, so every day looked like a Sunday at the breakfast table.

Sirius was unable to take more than three steps into the room that Regulus immediately stopped him, standing in front of him. His brother was still a bit shorter than him, a small victory, Sirius thought with a sigh.

Regulus' face was hard and pale as he straightened a bony arm with a letter in his hand.

"It's for you, from Mother and Father. When I read you name I thought there had been a mistake, but then I opened it and it is actually for you. Happy birthday." his voice was cold, almost weakened by the effort of pronouncing the last sentence and in a moment he was gone.

Sirius didn't have the time to say anything, just to take the letter. His hands were shaking, he realised, although he couldn't tell whether it was some sort of irrational hope or absurd fear he was feeling.

"Go ahead, I'll be there in a second." Sirius told his friends, quickly leaving the hall.

The letter was short and, to his surprise, in his father's elegant handwriting.

_Sirius,_

_It is with the heaviest of hearts that I inform you that, upon much consideration, your Mother and I have decided we will no longer have you as our heir. Following your latest clash with your brother, who has always been so very patient with you, we can no longer ignore your negligence and reluctance to fulfil what you were born for._

_The House of Black has remained strong for centuries because of the very traditions you despise and a strong sense of duty you seem to be lacking, therefore we cannot trust you with the destiny of our family. I'm sure you will understand our decision to replace you with Regulus, who, on the other hand, values his roots above all else._

_Please do not see this as an act of war, but, instead, one of peace. This is your release ticket, my son. Your Mother's wish is to deal with this business as quietly as possible, so that it won't create a scandal. Still, I thought you had a right to know. Were you to need anything, from now on, please write directly to me and never mention our correspondence to your Mother. I hope this small amount will allow you to celebrate just as your schoolmates do._

_And, for the love of God, behave._

_Father._

As Sirius finished the letter and looked up, the world looked blurred and distant. His ears were whistling and he could feel his heartbeat inside his throat. He put the letter in his pocket and pressed both his hands against his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling.

A _release ticket_, that's how his father had called it, and it was one after all. He was aware the day would come, he even longed for it. Yet, in that moment, he felt crushed by the weight of failure, dark and suffocating.

A few deep breaths and he'd be fine, he told himself, as he struggled to fix a steady smile on his face.

That was not the time to think about the consequences of his father's letter. On that day he was turning seventeen.

"What took you so long?" asked James.

"Usual family business. – as he said that, Sirius briefly met his brother's gaze, something between pity and disappointment shining in his grey eyes – But good news, they gave me money, so we could buy something for tonight."

"That's great, mate!" cried Peter from the other side of the table.

"Is everything okay?" whispered Remus, who was sitting next to him, his pale hand on Sirius' arm.

Sirius simply nodded, squeezing Remus' hand in an attempt to reassure him but ending up clinging to it.

By the end of the school day, Sirius had to reluctantly admit that, despite his best efforts, he couldn't confine his unhappiness to the back of his mind, even just for a few hours. He despised them. Not just his mother, all of them. He just wished he could raise himself above them, yet he seemed to be failing miserably. As he was leaving his Physics lesson, Sirius felt like he was running out of breath in his lungs.

"So, who's volunteering to go to the shop before it closes?" Peter asked impatiently. He'd been making a shopping list throughout the whole day, his voice humming in Sirius' ears until he felt nauseous.

"You go, Peter, of course. You've been organizing the menu for hours, I would never dream of stealing this honour from you." James said practically, his gaze so firm Peter didn't even question him.

Once Peter disappeared from sight, Sirius noticed James and Remus were both looking at him attentively.

"So, what is it?" James eventually asked. "You haven't been yourself all day."

Sirius sighed, relief coming out of his mouth together with air. He had learnt a long time prior to that moment that there were things he simply couldn't keep from James and Remus.

He handed them his father's letter, glad he had resisted the previous urge to throw it away. James and Remus didn't say anything for a long time, longer than what was needed to read the letter.

Eventually, James raised his eyes from the piece of paper and said: "What a massive group of tossers. Wait until I tell it to my parents, – James hesitated for a second, as if he was suddenly remembering the ugly truth about his own father – they'll be fuming. You can stay with us until they don't change their mind."

"They won't change their mind." Sirius answered coldly, regretting it as soon as the words left his mouth.

"Well he said this is your release ticket, so I assume you'll at least get freedom now, to an extent." Commented Remus, his gaze fixed on the floor.

Sirius wasn't particularly convinced, but he appreciated the effort his friends were making, so he nodded.

"I'm not sure I feel like celebrating at all." he opened up, a deep breath escaping his lips.

"Then we shan't." answered James with a shrug and a smile. "We'll keep the things Peter bought for St Andrews Day."

"But he was so excited… Actually, you know what? Forget it, I'm not ready to withstand one of his pathetic little speeches about how he can understand me because he too has a troubled family. God, he'd probably pull the suicidal-grandma card again. Sorry Remus, that was indelicate. I—"

"Sirius, Sirius, – Remus stopped him, a pale hand over his shoulder. – nothing's as complicated as you're making it." And Sirius knew it was even more complicated than that, but Remus' voice sounded so reassuring that he felt tears gathering at the corners of his eyes.

"Stay with James. I'll reach Peter at the shop and explain him everything on our way back. I'll even make sure he doesn't say a single thing tonight if you want me to. Just, at least don't worry about it, it's still your birthday." Then him and James shared a quick look and didn't say anything.

Sirius hadn't seen Remus like that in months: his gaze steady on him and his voice still, no uncertainty or shaking hands holding him back. That was the Remus who'd been keeping Sirius' head above the water for all those years and what Sirius was feeling in his chest were the love and the guilt he'd come to know by heart whenever he was in Remus' presence.

"Thank you." he barely said before the knot in his throat choked him a little.

"_Here_." James said, opening his arms wide enough for Sirius and Remus to fit into them, holding them in a tight hug.

Winter was approaching, Sirius could feel it in his bones, but, for a moment, he allowed himself to linger in comfort of knowing that, after all, his family was right there.


End file.
